Money

Help me understand it.  I can't do it with a pencil and paper, but I'm not very mathematically astute.  I seem to have a lot of money -- for me.  I've always been a grasshopper, and not much of an ant.  Remember the fable?  The ant was careful and sober and conservative, always working for the future, always careful, always with an eye toward "storing things up for a rainy day."  The grasshopper was always a bit more like Tigger (in the Winnie the Pooh stories) -- always jumping around, always happy, always playing -- and not very concerned with being careful, and with what the future might hold.  It seems, reaching back into the depths of my memory, that the ant got his reward for his prudence, and the grasshopper had to pay, once winter came.  Well, I'm the grasshopper.  I have not saved.  I have not been careful with money.  I am prone to spend for short-term, whimsical things, rather than saving carefully for long-term gains.  I watch Suze Ormond every single Saturday night, and catch her on Oprah whenever I can.  I don't have anything approaching 8 months' emergency savings.  I have a lot of debt (that I pay regularly, including student loans).  I'm not a financial fraud, but I've also never been very good with money.  I go through cycles of being overwhelmed with credit card and other debt, and then buckling down and paying it off.  I've never, though, had anything over $5,000 of credit card debt, so I'm not one of those outrageous spenders; and my current credit card debt is about $600, and dwindling, because Suze says to pay it off, and I am.  On the other hand, I've never had anything over $5,000 in a savings account.  For a middle-aged woman, this sounds pathetic.

But there's this other thing.  I've become committed to saving; yes, I want a gorgeous emergency fund.  But I've also got this weird impression that money is for spending.  I doubt that I'll ever have 8 months of net income in an immediately available savings account.  But I'm also aware that I have enough now to take a trip to Italy this year, because I've set my mind to serious saving.  No, I don't have enough to finance the whole thing yet.  But I also know that if I buy a non-refundable air ticket, I will make the other part (lodging, transportation, and meals) happen before I go.  And afterward I'll have a pathetic savings account, nothing approaching 8 months' income, when I get home.

But maybe you all know how committed I am to seeing the black madonnas that are in Italy.  Over 25 of them, including on the floor of the duomo in Siena (I was there 4+ years ago -- how did I miss her???)  I am passionate about this research.  I really want to go for 3 weeks this year, and then for 3  months (my sabbatical) next year.  Maybe next year I could even see a little bit of France (there are literally hundreds of them there).  I don't know what it is about the black madonna that has entranced me, but she has.  Some of it is the work I do, helping folks with aging and ailing, failing and dying and grieving: that's the work of the black madonna, for sure.  And what I also know for sure, is that the more I immerse myself in the study of the black madonna, the more I'm able to immerse myself in the work I have to do, because it is her work.  It's a precious gift, a precious calling, one I have been prepared for my whole life.  I remember when I told my mother that I felt called to the priesthood, and she said, "I think your whole life has been getting you ready for this."

I've also got kidney disease; now is the time to do the things I want/need to do.

But the big part I don't exactly get is that my income hasn't really increased.  Yes, I paid off my car mid-year last year, so I have a bit more disposable income (which has mostly gone to debt repayment).  Yes, I quit getting manicures, pedicures, and massages a while ago.  But I have also committed to this black madonna work, both in an academic sense and in a visceral life sense.  And now there seems to be more money (yes, people are also giving me money) and more opportunity to go.  I also have these odd, early-morning creative ideas about how I might be able to go more cheaply.  Call me crazy -- but I believe that, if I'm doing God's will, things open up to me (and they seem to have).  They just do.  Help me track this.  I've already researched transportation costs, but still have work to do.  I could do this.  Send prayers and good wishes my way, OK?

I'll keep you posted.  It's pretty amazing.  But I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to go for a time this year.  Even though it makes no financial sense at all.  I'm sure Suze Ormond would say, "DENIED!"

Comments

[Marti]

Sometimes financial sense has to take a back seat, to something even greater, and that is life sense. The Black Madonnas have been a dream for you but more than that, a calling and you are blessed to recognize this. I like to think of these moments of life sense as destiny. Destiny simply cannot be denied for when destiny moves front and center, it moves from a noun to a verb and requires action. Blessings to you for you are on your journey, signpost marked Italy.

[Ann]

Thank you for this, Marti. Hearing someone else who "gets it" makes me feel a little less crazy!

[Sharon]

Your angels are working their butts off, that's what's going on! Cheers!

[Ann]

I do think the universe is somehow moving my way. I do think that when I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, then doors open and opportunities present themselves. Sometimes, friends tell me, all you can do is what seems like "the next right thing." Doing the whole shebang and seeing the whole big picture isn't my task, just doing the next right thing.

[Sharon]

Amen.