One Wild and Precious Life

Welcome!

This is the wreath I'll probably have out till after Valentine's day, though I may take off the gold ribbon and add something else -- I've got some red tinsel with little hearts.  But I do like the red apples I've hung on it -- I tend to use them differently at different times -- sometimes hanging on the Christmas tree, sometimes scattered among a green garland festooning the mantel, sometimes in a dish or clear crystal cornucopia I put on my table.  I'm keeping red accents around for 2 more weeks, till Valentine's day, then I'll go predominantly green (spring, St. Patrick's Day) till Easter time, when I'll add some pastels.  It's really kind of fun to have seasonal colors and ornaments -- something I never did until the last couple of years -- inspired by you, my fellow bloggers!

I've had a quiet week on the Plateau, with some time to resume regular journaling and reading.  You know my "morning pages" are a crucial part of my emotional/spiritual well-being.  Some of you also know that I have an "I can do anything, 15 minutes at a time" philosophy.  I've read many scholarly books that way, and have undertaken another:  "Celtic Spirituality," in the "Classics of Western Spirituality" series.  It's a big fat one, but I've undertaken it 15 minutes at a time.  I feel good when I'm studying something new, especially at a depth that's beyond the pop culture level (even "pop spirituality").  So this new book, 455 pages in length, not counting the preface, end notes, and bibliography, feels like good, solid, "meat and potatoes" reading.  And I'm pleased to learn more about Celtic spirituality, in some depth, reading original sources.

Today we had our vestry retreat.  The vestry is the leadership council and team of the parish.  We meet monthly throughout the year, but today we spent time together today getting to know one another and doing some "vision work" for the parish, imagining possibilities and setting goals for the coming year.  It was fun and energetic.  Given challenging economic times, we've got our work cut out for us.  How can we do what we do with even less money than our usual fairly conservative budget?  I feel good about this vestry, though -- it's a great, enthusiastic, creative group of folks, representing diverse views of what "church" is, and willing to speak their minds.  That's not always the easiest  course for a vestry -- it can generate lots of heated discussion and debate -- but I believe it's the healthiest for a parish, because these diverse viewpoints get examined and decisions get made with more information and opinion available.

After some weeks of physical inactivity, I feel good that I'm getting back to two of my "foundational practices:"  running and yoga.  For a while it was just too cold and wet, and I was just too emotionally and physically exhausted to keep up with these.  But I do know that if I run,  it's always a good day; and if I practice yoga several times a week, it helps keep me centered in my own Christian spirituality, as well (plus it's excellent physical exercise, of course).

Do you have "foundational practices,"  things that are essential to your own well-being, things that need doing daily, or regularly, to keep you on an even keel?  Mine are running with my dogs, yoga, morning pages, regular reading/study, and spending time working outside.

Just now I've got a loaf of break baking in the bread machine and the prospect of supper ahead of me.  See you all soon!

A Winter's Day Off

It has been a hard few weeks; that's why I haven't written more.  Last Thursday I did the funeral for a parishioner I love.  I have four other parishioners with (literally) broken hearts, and I'm trying to pastor them as best I can.  I feel as though some barrier within me has broken open, and there's this rush of love I feel for them all.  I know it's a good thing; I know it's a breakthrough -- but it also breaks my heart.  My compassion has let loose -- but it hurts a lot of the time.  Still, it's that love and compassion that I've held back for some reason, and my ministry will be all the better now that it has broken loose inside me.

Here are flowers from Paul's funeral that his wife, Cynthia gave to me.  These are in my office:

Aren't they just about the most beautiful, lucious rush of color you've ever seen?  The background of this photo's not as crisp and clean as it could be, but as I look at it, it's a great snapshot of my life.  The calendar is from our church, the magnets purchased on various trips I've taken (Vancouver, San Francisco, Grand Cayman).  The white magnet with the "recycling" symbol is from my seminary days at Yale.  The poem is called "What You Realize When Cancer Comes," by Larry Smith.  I'm pretty sure it was on "The Writer's Almanac" one morning.  At the lower right is a photo of my dear brother and sister-in-law.  He died in 2000, and his passing was one of my greatest griefs.  She and I are still really close.  The flowers are in the crystal vase that my mother treasured my whole life long.  The little ceramic box to the left of and behind the vase was my daughter's.  These are loving memories and happy momentos.   And these flowers, also from the funeral, are in my living room:

Oops -- I really don't need photos this big, or files this big.  I guess I'm going to have to get back to the drawing board and figure out how to size photos and files, etc.  This is just plain sloppy!  But you get the idea: beautiful flowers to remember a beautiful human.

So I've been emotionally exhausted, though at the same time, I've never felt more alive.  I was thrilled to have all day Friday and most of Saturday to replenish myself, as well as yesterday evening, and now all day today.  That's almost as good as a real vacation.  I always take secular holidays off, because I have to work on all the religious holidays.  And this year in particular, it seems appropriate to honor Martin Luther King, Jr., on the eve of Obama's inauguration.  The media are certainly making hay of this historic event, and I, too, am caught up in the excitement.  I've had my television tuned to the news channels more than usual, watching many of the events and stories.  I can't believe I had a chance to go and at least be part of the crowds -- but I didn't get my ducks in a row soon enough to take advantage of the offer of free lodging I received.  That's life, isn't it?  You snooze, you lose.

In all the cold, wet weather, my running practice has taken a real nosedive.  This morning I dressed in my running clothes, including a new jog bra (so exciting!  It doesn't take much to give me a thrill) -- and went downstairs to find snow -- real snow this time, not just a dusting.  Scratch the plan to run.  I guess "real snow" is a relative term, since I lived 24 years in Buffalo, NY.  "Real snow" on the Cumberland Plateau of Tennessee means about 3 inches and still coming down lightly.  Here's what it looks like from my back deck:

Okay, it's nothing like a real Buffalo snowfall, but it's enough to make me feel all snug and cozy inside the house, with my errands completed and a nap to take and books to read and television to watch.  I  hope all of you are having a good holiday, as well.

Parties, Freecycle, and Books

Tonight I had my annual party for my vestry (like a parish council -- the leadership body of the church).  It was a smaller group than usually the case,  but very nice.  When I do it, I love having people in my house, with their talk, laughter, love.  I tend to be pretty solitary, outside this one annual gathering.  My house looks so clean, so neat, so spacious.  Of course I had to load piles of papers and magazines into boxes and stash them into closets.  Then I dusted everything (my cleaning lady helped me with the dog hair situation on Wednesday), lit a lot of candles, got two of my friends to help me load my table with delicious "heavy h'ors doeurves, and bought a lot of wine.

It was smaller than usual.  Some folks were out of town, some just didn't come, some were ill.  But I love to hear this dear house filled with conversation and laughter.  I love lighting all the candles.  I love eating good food and drinking pretty good wine, and offering the same to people I love.  I forgot to take pictures, so I could share them with you.  The company was great, and now the solitude and silence are good, too.  The dogs are very happy to be out of the garage and back into the house.  Good babies.

I've continued to offer one thing each day on Freecycle.  Just when I think I could run out of stuff in a year, I open a closet door, or go into the potting shed, or move a box full of Christmas things that I didn't use  yet again, and my hope is restored that  yes, I'll be able to give  one thing away each day, and lighten my own load in the world.  As I look around this house, clean and neat and spare (but with a closet bursting with boxed-up papers and magazines), I  think, "Oh, yes, this is how I'd rather live."  And yet as I bring things into the rooms where they "belong," it gets more and more cluttered.  But tonight, it's pristine.  I'll see how I can manage to keep it a little moreso than  I have been.

Books:  The Tale of Edgar Sawtelle first.  I'm barely into it at all.  I bought it because it's an Oprah's book club selection, and she raves about it, and I want a good book.  I'll let you know as I read along. 

Another:  Vision Boards.  I hope it will help take my enthusiastic energy and keep it channeled into the things about which I'm passionate.  It sounds a little "New Age" to me,  but I say Christians should take what is useful and leave the rest from these new-agey things.  "The law of attraction," on which these things are based, is partly true, I think, and partly not.  Yes, affirming the things you want, asking the universe for them, getting them foremost in your psyche, definitely helps.  Jesus says all we need to do is ask.  But there's also this implication that if you don't get what you want, it's your fault -- you didn't ask hard enough, think positively enough.  I beg to disagree.  I'd call that point of view "blaming the victim."  Yes, people sometimes make really bad choices.  But sometimes they choose the best of a limited set of cirucmstances and choices. and things don't work out.

I just finished another Jodi Picoult novel on audio in my car.  I love to listen as I drive.  This one was Change of Heart.  I loved it.  When The Lovely Bones came out, I couldn't bear to read it, told, as they said, from the perspective of a girl already dead.  I just couldn't.  But I've "read" (listened to) two of her books now, and they both dealth with adolescents in life-and-death situations, and I've loved them.  So I will seek out more of them.

So, keep reading.  Tell me what you think.  Keep partying.  Now I think I should have a party every 3 months (but it's so much work!).  See you soon, with more pictures.

Oh, and I almost forgot the Freecycle part.  If you haven't checked out www.freecycle.com, you need to.  It will direct you to a local group.  You can give stuff away, you can get stuff -- and it's all for free, by commitment and covenant.  I've offered something every single day.   I've got rid of some stuff.  But I think if I can find stuff to offer each day of the year, I'll be less burdened by my stuff.

See y'all.  All y'all.

A Cozy Time at Home

 
Yep,  that's how it looks this evening.  Not too bad.  I'm feeling pretty good about life in this little piece of the Cumberland Plateau.  I've offered 3 things in 3 days on Freecycle.com, and I'm still planning to get rid of lots of stuff.  I had my run today, which was lovely in warm temperatures.  Of course, my dogs love the morning run.  I spent some time yesterday taking ornaments off the tree, though there is much left to do.  The thing is, I leave lots of red until after Valentine's day, at which time green comes to predominate the decor (for St. Patrick's Day, and spring).  After Easter, lots of pastels come in.   Anyway, I'm newly energized to fuss with my decor.  This is a good thing.

I've actually had some wonderful writing in my journal, and have focused on 6 different areas or "projects" that I feel passionate about, and want to work on in 2009.  One is "home and garden," thus this picture.  The others are: self-care, writing, spirituality, study, and finances.  I have goals/resolutions in each of these areas.  They all seem like fun, but also challenging and stimulating.  I can't wait to see how this year goes!

I worked for 45 minutes in my veggie garden today, weeding and mulching.  Yes, weeds are alive and well on the Cumberland Plateau.  I did pull some lovely green ones, and transplanted some strawberry plants into the strawberry bed.  I resent the fact that they grow so hardily in the path of my garden, where I don't want them, but seem to shrivel when I transfer them to the strawberry bed.  And yes, many of my weeds are brown on top, but when I dig just a little, the roots are thriving and hardy.  I hate the way the ragweed twines its roots throughout my beds and paths.  But the good part, is that I've begun dreaming about the veggies for next spring.  I know I want lots of tomatoes again.  Some years I've had quart after quart of frozen tomatoes, all put away in baggies, which I could  pour into broth to make delicious soups.  I didn't have any this year.  I will over-plant tomatoes again, and damn the consequences (feeling like I'm buried in them, come August).  I don't know what new things I will try, but I have Asparagus, Herbs, Grapes, Strawberries, and Raspberries that winter over.  Yum.  And my standards are tomatoes, cukes, and watermelon.  I'm thinking I might go for a few stands of sweet corn again this year.  They're so good freshly-picked (cooked in boiling water and slathered with organic unsalted butter), and also freeze well for winter delight.  I'll probably plant some kind of bean, and then lots of parsley (both to over-winter-- which it does, if it's coddled a bit, and to make pesto and tabbouli).

It's lovely to feel the garden plans and fantasies starting up.  Working outside each day was one of my New Year's resolutions, because working with growing things makes me feel more alive and "connected."

Hope your holiday times aren't sinking into depression, but are taking on the future aspect of looking toward spring!

I have some friends who are reading Kathleen Norris' "Acedia" -- about depression, I think.  I don't choose to read it, because I don't want to invite depression into my life anymore.  I had a blue Christmas, and the blue mood seems to be fading and transforming.  I'm pretty careful about what I allow to "rent space in my head," as they say in AA.  Depression isn't something I want to make room for.  I find if I keep moving aerobically (my 1/2 hour daily run with the dogs, so I get out of breath) -- I don't get depressed anymore.  It was the time when I stopped running for the most part, that I got so blue.  I won't let that happen again, if I can help it.

Now is the time for those who tend to depression to "circle the wagons" and do whatever it takes to bolster yourself.  I have, I am, and it helps.  For me, it's about my foundational practices (running, morning pages, yoga) and keeping in touch with friends.  I saw yesterday that there are buds on my Lenten Roses, and also on the Viburnam I showed you on Jan. 1.  Soon I'll have flowers.

Happy New Year (8th Day of Christmas)!

Oh, it has been so very long since I've posted.  I've had messages from friends and family alike, telling me to get back to it.  It has been a busy Advent, and the season kind of sneaked up on me, so I wasn't entirely prepared for it all.  There were various candles to order, services to plan, hymns to select, sermons to write.  I don't know about all priests, but I feel a certain pressure to write a really good one for Christmas, since it's a time to reach out to folks who don't attend church regularly.

I also admit that this Advent and Christmas season haven't been the easiest for me.  Maybe it's because my sister-in-law died in September; maybe it's just the cycle of the stars or the air pressure.  But I felt very lonely.  The problem was that I wasn't just feeling alone -- I could have fixed that by surrounding myself with people.  No, I missed those whom I lovingly call "my dead people."  I missed my parents, my brother, my daughter.  These are all people I won't see again this side of heaven.  Nothing can really fix that.  Even though I got my shopping and mailing done in a more timely way than ever before, even though there were moments of simple beauty, even though I got the tree up and decorated, even though my gifts from family and friends arrived by mail, and I had a rather impressive array beneath said tree -- even so, there were shadows throughout this season.  This isn't really like me, but I've got to admit that I'm glad to see it passing quickly by.  I don't usually mind being alone, and "lonely" is something that usually passes in a matter of a moment's time.

There has been sadness this Christmas season: people in this parish that I love are having grave physical problems.  There are hearts that aren't working, back pain that's intractable, and a traumatic fall that has resulted in paralysis.  It's hard to watch so many people that I love grow frail with age, or ill, or suffer injuries from which they won't recover.  My heart aches every single day.  I think I might need some vacation.  Before I was a priest, when I worked in mental health, I knew I needed a vacation when my "window" (the window of my emotional heart) opened up to the pain of my clients, and I couldn't close it up again.  That's how I feel just now.  A vacation always makes it easier to "open" and "close" that window of emotional connection.  Sometimes I need to turn down the volume and just experience prayer or peace -- I can't seem to do that just now.  I need to plan some vacation time before Lent (in February).

And there are always signs of hope.  The light has been born that shines in all our darkness, and the darkness can not overcome it.  I continue to believe that God is particularly fond of me (as God is of each one of us).  Have any of you read "The Shack?"  I heard about it from a woman in my study group, and dismissed it.  Then our chapter of Daughters of the King began to study it.  Then I heard of it from one or two other people.  Then a dear parishioner lent it to me, and I devoured it in record time.  I mean it:  I woke up at 3 am a couple of nights to read it.  If you have any hunger for God at all, read it.  If you ever wonder where God might be in the dark places of life, read it.  If you've ever pondered over the concept of the Trinity, read it.  Read it.  I will be buying my own copy.  Ten bucks at WalMart, a parishioner tells me.  $8.24 at Amazon.com (from $7.21 used, but unless you order a lot, there's always postage.  WalMart may be cheapest).  This book has been one of the very bright points of 2008.  I want to talk about it with more people who've read it.

I took this picture in November:

Doesn't a rainbow speak of hope -- especially in November?  And I do have much hope.  Am I the only one who makes New Year's resolutions anymore?  I guess the more modern, cynical view is that resolutions can't be kept, are always broken, are usually unreasonable and only set us up for failure.  But I disagree.  I think that New Year's resolutions are filled with hope, filled with light, filled with the power of resurrection.  New Year's resolutions believe that a new person can rise from the ashes of an old year, and I like that.  I believe it.

I've grown wise in my resolutions, as I age.  This is the first year in two decades that weight loss has not been on my list of resolutions.  Don't get me wrong -- I'd still love to drop that 75 pounds that could really help my knees and hips and self-image.  But these days my priority for my body is health: exercise, nutrition, yoga, and yes, portion control -- but if the pounds don't fall away, so be it.  As Popeye always said, "I yam what I yam, and that's all that I yam."  There are far more important things: finishing a book, returning to Italy, and ridding my house of the weight of all my stuff -- some of it pure junk to me now.  I want to post one offer to freecycle.com every single day -- or at least once a week.  But I'd still like to marry a millionaire and travel the world and do my Black Madonna research -- so if you know a smart, healthy, single millionaire that likes a little meat on a rather independent woman's bones, please refer him to this blog.

There are lots of other resolutions, and other things happening in my life.  But one of my resolutions is to try and keep in better touch with all my friends in bloglandia.  I will post more often.  I like this forum.  I really love the friends I have here.  I'm  even thinking of trying facebook or one of those newer electronic thingies.  My electronic relationships are important to me, and have been since I first discovered their power in 1996!

I wish you all blessings and hopefulness for the new year.  Make your resolutions if you're so inclined.  Set your course.  Start to make your map.  Here's just one more sign of hope -- photographed today outside the front door:

This viburnam will probably bloom sometime this month or next, if we get mild weather.  It makes a glorious spray of pink blossoms as I enter my house every single day.  May the hope of springtime bloom in all your hearts till we meet again.